Overaged Action Heroes

SIGNS AN ACTION HERO MAY HAVE PASSED HIS EXPIRY DATE:


1. When firing his machine gun at the enemies, the vibrations cause his dentures to drop out.

2. When he tells people, "I'll be back", he means he's going to the pharmacy to pick up some cream for his piles.

3. Refuses to come back to do one more assignment, because he's already collected all his pensions.

4. During the motorcycle chase scene, his wig flies off.

5. Before: likes his martinis shaken, not stirred. Now: wants his FibrePlus with extra prune concentrate stirred very thoroughly, thank you very much

6. Those super cool sunglasses he has on? They have bifocal lines.

7. Watching his leading lady bend over keeps sending his pacemaker into overdrive.

8. Keeps stopping in the middle of the fight to ask the enemy, "Chope, what are we fighting about again?"

9. His ammo belt keeps getting tangled with his colostomy bag.

10. What saved him from the bullet? His thick-thick wallet stuffed with the many photos of his grandchildren.

11. After emptying every cartridge of ammo, must take a pee break.

12. M-16 jammed? Semiautomatic clip spent? Rocket launcher empty? No problem! Just fling your hairpiece like a deadly Frisbee!

13. Love scene with the leading lady kind of spoiled when he has to pause to "take some more Viagra".

14. Love scene with the leading lady spoiled even more when he drops his pants to reveal adult diapers.

15. Love scene with the leading lady spoiled completely when his dentures lodge in her mouth.

16. During the car chase scene, keeps grumbling about all the people speeding over 60 km/h, and doesn't notice that his left-turn indicator light is still on.